By now there are enough articles that talk about how most Indian women have experienced some form of abuse. While the gang rape in Delhi was most unfortunate, the only silver lining is that finally, citizens are forcing the government to take more ownership. Personally I am very happy to see that those who are protesting on the streets of Delhi and elsewhere are not disheartened by the initial cowardly response of the government to use force against them.
But how many people are actually protesting on the streets or actively participating in finding a solution? Majority of us feel sorry for the victim, her friend and her family and are wishfully hoping that the few thousands who are protesting will bring about change; though we have little hope that anything can change the Indian government officials and politicians.
So I thought I will offer a few suggestions to this majority, on small things they can change in their attitude and approach and make life of Indian girls/women slightly better. All these suggestions are based on my personal experience and I apologize in advance to any of my friends or family who didn't want to be referred here. I have not revealed any names.
My earliest memory of being groped was when I was 8 or 9 years old. I was at this annual temple festival in Kerala called Thrissur Pooram. My uncle was with me and we were enjoying one of the events. There were lot of people around me and suddenly one guy tried to touch me at an inappropriate place. I thought he was reaching for my purse (yes, even at that age I would carry a purse and some money because I was paranoid about getting lost!) and held it close to me. I think the first guy's move gave confidence to others and soon some 5 or 6 guys were "attacking" me. I called for my uncle and he pushed those guys away and we went back home. He asked me if I was ok and I said I was worried they would take my purse though I was feeling weird and awkward. I never attended that festival again and in general try to stay away from any such events. My uncle never brought it up again with me. So how could this be different? I wish my uncle talked to me about it. I wish he told me that what happened to me should not be tolerated and that those men deserve to be punished. I wish he took me to the cop and lodged a complaint. Even if the police brushed it aside or asked us to ignore, just a verbal complaint would have made me feel better.
I was a girl scout in middle school. As part of the program we once had to travel to the outskirts of Calicut district in Kerala. I remember the railway station in Calicut had absolutely no women and we were all girls/women. So as soon as we got off the train pretty much every single guy was looking at us as if we descended from a different planet. And some guys were staring weirdly and passing lascivious comments. This is what my teacher had to say "Remember we are all girls. So we have to be extra careful. Don't try to be over-smart and attract any attention." I wish this is what my teacher said "Even though we are all girls, remember we don't have to be scared. If anyone tries to harm you or pass indecent comments call for my attention or call for the police. Be confident and feel safe."
When I was in high school there was this guy that most girls hated - mainly because he was a rowdy. But for whatever reason I was in talking terms with him. He once told me that he would marry only the girl whose parents gave him a yellow Maruti Zen (the most popular car then) and 800 grams of gold (100 sovereigns). I didn't like his comment but didn't want to annoy a guy like him. So I didn't respond but half-smiled. Instead I should have told him how disgusting his remark was. That he should learn to respect women. That he didn't deserve to be with a girl if this was his attitude.
Right before I moved to Trichy to start college, my friend's friend was visiting from another state. I agreed to take her around Cochin. We were riding the bus to some place. We both were sitting - me next to the window and she close to the aisle. A middle aged guy came and stood next to her and started poking her breast with his umbrella. She asked him to stop doing that and move away. He didn't budge, but temporarily stopped poking her. Of course he started doing it again in a few minutes. This time she called the conductor and complained to him. He smirked but told that guy to move since it was his "duty". When the guy didn't stop my friend was upset, yelled at the driver to stop the bus and we both got off. The sad part was every single person in that bus was laughing at us, making us feel embarrassed about ourselves. My request - If you are that conductor please throw that guy off the bus. If you are one of the passengers please support me and my friend. At the very least don't ridicule us.
I attended NIT Trichy's Engineering program. The four years I spent there are some of the best years of my life and I made great friends and I love them very much. Some of my close male friends were very caring to the extent of being protective. In fact they told me which of my male classmates I should stay away from, which ones are morons, who had bad reputation of looking down upon women etc. While I am glad they warned me, I wish they told the respective guys not be morons, respect women etc. I wish they made official complaints when required. I wish they didn't just protect their friends but also tried to ensure these guys didn't pose a threat to girls who they didn't know.
My mom is a typical middle class Indian mom from a small town. This means that she approves/disapproves anything I do based on what she thinks would be the response to the following questions in the following order of priority "how will my in-laws react", "how will rest of the people she know react". She was recently visiting us in US. I was getting ready to go to a party in a cocktail dress. It was a regular non-controversial cocktail dress, but she had never seen me in a dress (back in India I didn't wear dresses). Her first reaction was what will my in-laws say and turned towards my husband and told him that she disapproved. Luckily my husband said "doesn't she look good? I picked the dress for her". That's all my mom wanted - my husband's approval. After that she never complained about anything I wore. I wished my mom didn't need support from my husband, but given her background I can't complaint. But I am glad my husband responded the way he did. Even if he had said "it's alright" she would have been concerned.
I know that none of these suggestions would solve the big issues related to women in India. The government needs to act and law enforcement officials themselves need to change. But at least these are small steps that are within our control that we can take. If we cannot join the protesters, we can at least do this.
But how many people are actually protesting on the streets or actively participating in finding a solution? Majority of us feel sorry for the victim, her friend and her family and are wishfully hoping that the few thousands who are protesting will bring about change; though we have little hope that anything can change the Indian government officials and politicians.
So I thought I will offer a few suggestions to this majority, on small things they can change in their attitude and approach and make life of Indian girls/women slightly better. All these suggestions are based on my personal experience and I apologize in advance to any of my friends or family who didn't want to be referred here. I have not revealed any names.
My earliest memory of being groped was when I was 8 or 9 years old. I was at this annual temple festival in Kerala called Thrissur Pooram. My uncle was with me and we were enjoying one of the events. There were lot of people around me and suddenly one guy tried to touch me at an inappropriate place. I thought he was reaching for my purse (yes, even at that age I would carry a purse and some money because I was paranoid about getting lost!) and held it close to me. I think the first guy's move gave confidence to others and soon some 5 or 6 guys were "attacking" me. I called for my uncle and he pushed those guys away and we went back home. He asked me if I was ok and I said I was worried they would take my purse though I was feeling weird and awkward. I never attended that festival again and in general try to stay away from any such events. My uncle never brought it up again with me. So how could this be different? I wish my uncle talked to me about it. I wish he told me that what happened to me should not be tolerated and that those men deserve to be punished. I wish he took me to the cop and lodged a complaint. Even if the police brushed it aside or asked us to ignore, just a verbal complaint would have made me feel better.
I was a girl scout in middle school. As part of the program we once had to travel to the outskirts of Calicut district in Kerala. I remember the railway station in Calicut had absolutely no women and we were all girls/women. So as soon as we got off the train pretty much every single guy was looking at us as if we descended from a different planet. And some guys were staring weirdly and passing lascivious comments. This is what my teacher had to say "Remember we are all girls. So we have to be extra careful. Don't try to be over-smart and attract any attention." I wish this is what my teacher said "Even though we are all girls, remember we don't have to be scared. If anyone tries to harm you or pass indecent comments call for my attention or call for the police. Be confident and feel safe."
When I was in high school there was this guy that most girls hated - mainly because he was a rowdy. But for whatever reason I was in talking terms with him. He once told me that he would marry only the girl whose parents gave him a yellow Maruti Zen (the most popular car then) and 800 grams of gold (100 sovereigns). I didn't like his comment but didn't want to annoy a guy like him. So I didn't respond but half-smiled. Instead I should have told him how disgusting his remark was. That he should learn to respect women. That he didn't deserve to be with a girl if this was his attitude.
Right before I moved to Trichy to start college, my friend's friend was visiting from another state. I agreed to take her around Cochin. We were riding the bus to some place. We both were sitting - me next to the window and she close to the aisle. A middle aged guy came and stood next to her and started poking her breast with his umbrella. She asked him to stop doing that and move away. He didn't budge, but temporarily stopped poking her. Of course he started doing it again in a few minutes. This time she called the conductor and complained to him. He smirked but told that guy to move since it was his "duty". When the guy didn't stop my friend was upset, yelled at the driver to stop the bus and we both got off. The sad part was every single person in that bus was laughing at us, making us feel embarrassed about ourselves. My request - If you are that conductor please throw that guy off the bus. If you are one of the passengers please support me and my friend. At the very least don't ridicule us.
I attended NIT Trichy's Engineering program. The four years I spent there are some of the best years of my life and I made great friends and I love them very much. Some of my close male friends were very caring to the extent of being protective. In fact they told me which of my male classmates I should stay away from, which ones are morons, who had bad reputation of looking down upon women etc. While I am glad they warned me, I wish they told the respective guys not be morons, respect women etc. I wish they made official complaints when required. I wish they didn't just protect their friends but also tried to ensure these guys didn't pose a threat to girls who they didn't know.
My mom is a typical middle class Indian mom from a small town. This means that she approves/disapproves anything I do based on what she thinks would be the response to the following questions in the following order of priority "how will my in-laws react", "how will rest of the people she know react". She was recently visiting us in US. I was getting ready to go to a party in a cocktail dress. It was a regular non-controversial cocktail dress, but she had never seen me in a dress (back in India I didn't wear dresses). Her first reaction was what will my in-laws say and turned towards my husband and told him that she disapproved. Luckily my husband said "doesn't she look good? I picked the dress for her". That's all my mom wanted - my husband's approval. After that she never complained about anything I wore. I wished my mom didn't need support from my husband, but given her background I can't complaint. But I am glad my husband responded the way he did. Even if he had said "it's alright" she would have been concerned.
I know that none of these suggestions would solve the big issues related to women in India. The government needs to act and law enforcement officials themselves need to change. But at least these are small steps that are within our control that we can take. If we cannot join the protesters, we can at least do this.
